Things I Want to Do With You:

1. Take a train to Montauk
2. Go camping
3. Go sailing/boating
4. Stay at a Bed & Breakfast in a tiny town
5. Explore New York City
6. Go to art museums
7. Rifle through and antique store
8. Play in a creek/river/stream
9. Hike in New Paltz
10. Go to Woodstock
11. Sit on the beach at the Atlantic Ocean (in winter)
12. Spend a day in a library or book store
13. Teach you how to use a photography darkroom
14. Go to a poetry reading
15. Roadtrips, never stop going on roadtrips (Halifax, Maine, Rockport, Montreal, etc)
16. Art store
17. Go to a Now, Now show
18. Have a bonfire on the beach
19. Go to a real deli
20. See a drive-in movie or a Movie Under the Stars
21. Volunteer somewhere (Soup kitchen, retirement home, senior center, etc.)
22. Explore abandoned places (ex: North Brother Island)
23. Play music with you
24. Listen to vinyls
25. Go to a photobooth
26. Relearn French
27. Open our vegan cafe

It’s hard to remember you being foreign to me. The way your skin first felt, the way your lips first tasted. The first time I read the thoughts spelled out across your face; that I never would have thought you’d become a book with well turned pages. Like when you love a book so much that you can recall the lines word by word, but sometimes your mind runs ahead too fast and the storyline falters.

That moment when my ex-girlfriend writes a poem for class about me, and it describes me better than I've ever described myself:

I loved her

She so captivated me:

my little explorer

with her maps,

like a bird she

twittered restless for

flight, anxious

for the next

forest to camp in,

the next river to

quench her thirst.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror, and I get startled because I forgot that I'm a girl. It's not that I'm transgender, or want to be a boy. I just don't like being a girl. I don't like parts of my body, I don't like the connotations that come with being a girl, I just don't like it. If I could, I would switch in to a man's body. But, like, I don't have the mind of a boy. I like my "girl's mind." I don't think of myself as a boy, I think I'd just like to have the body of one.

But at the same time, sometimes I catch myself wanting to be one of those girls that can wear whatever they want and be called pretty. I see clothes at a store that I want so, so badly, but I don't get them because I'd never wear them because I'm "too boyish." I'd just like to be one of those girls for a while. Not forever, but just to try.

fucking up
by
fucking around

Sometimes, you just need to enjoy things while they last.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

I peer west
Towards where the sun sets.
It’s fitting, isn’t it?
That I’m heading into the darkness,
Away from the comfort of light.

Reading List

[ ] The Devil We Know Robert Baer
[X] On The Road Jack Kerouac
[ ] Invisible Monsters Chuck Palahnuik
[x] Essex County Jeff Lemire
[ ] Einstein's Dreams Alan Lightman
[ ] Unless Carol Shields
[X] Among Other Things I've Taken Up Smoking Aoibheann Sweeney
[ ] Invisible Man Ralph Ellison
[X] Equus Peter Shaffer
[x] Looking for Alaska John Green
[ ] Inferno Eileen Myles
[X] The Best Laid Plans Terry Fallis
[X] Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows J.K. Rowling
[X] The Picture of Dorian Gray Oscar Wilde
[X] The Hunger Games Suzanne Collins
[X] Catching Fire Suzanne Collins
[X] Mockingjay Suzanne Collins
[X] The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Steig Larsson
[X] The Girl Who Played With Fire Steig Larsson
[X] The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest Steig Larsson
[X] Persepolis Marjane Satrapi

"'Cause tonight I'm thinking of someone else
And I can't help myself, no I can't help myself.
Yeah, tonight I'm thinking of someone else.

Which, in a round about way, means I've thought about you all day."

100 Whales- An Horse

I need your arms wrapped around me.
I need you in my arms.
I need to feel you against me.
I need to have your scent linger on my clothes.
I need to feel the softness of your body.
I need to feel the heat radiating off your skin.
I need to feel your lower back as I creep my hands just under your shirt and pull you closer.
I need to feel your stomach against the palm of my hand.
I need to feel your smile in our kiss.
I need to feel your fingers knotted in my hair.
I just need to feel your kiss. Anywhere. Everywhere.
I need to feel your presence and know that you're beside me.

There's this girl...

Dear love,

I really don't know what to do. I love you so much, but I can feel you growing distant. I know you love me and you tell me that you'll do anything to make it work, but what are you doing? I understand that it is complicated. Everything is always complicated. I know my judging you doesn't help, either, and for that I'm truly sorry. I just don't understand everything you do. I don't know how to keep you interested. I don't know what happened to make you so distant. You don't talk to me anymore. You tell me it's because you "don't know what to say," but nothing has changed. I'm still me. I still want to hear every detail of your day and I'm still interested in anything you have to say.

I'm sorry that I've been frustrated with you lately. I just can't stand when it seems like you're not trying. I've never wanted anything as much as I want us to work, and for the first time in my life I'm actually trying. I hate that I don't feel like you're trying. I know you are, but I can't see it. I just want you to put forth effort. Is that wrong of me to say? I just want you to open up and tell me what you're thinking. When I ask you what's wrong I don't want you to say "nothing." We both know that's not true. It makes me feel so fucking bad that you're not comfortable around me. It makes me feel like shit. I hate that you're afraid to embarrass yourself in front of me. I'm here for you to whine to, and vent to, and cry to. I don't want you to cry alone. I want you to be able to call me up, and I want to be there to listen for you.

Please. Just talk to me.

I love you.

I just wanted Kool Aid.

New Idea

I’ve been planning on getting “I’ve had a little too much to think” tattooed on my arm, but I’m starting to second guess that a bit. I still want something to remind me not to over analyze everything and to just let go sometimes. So, I’ve decided on “stop worrying over nothing” from “The Ocean.” Aside from that being my favorite Tegan and Sara song, that line summarizes my entire persona so incredibly well. I know it’s cliche to say it, but Tegan and Sara really did help me come to terms with myself. They really showed me that not only is it okay to be gay, but that there is a whole world in which I can be myself without being judged, and without having to worry over nothing.

Also, in running with the theme of oceans, I think I want to have like a line drawing of waves above the text. To me the ocean represents letting go, and I have to remember to do that sometimes. The waves also remind me about my insignificance compared to something as huge and untamable as an ocean, and I think it’s a necessary reminder that I am only one person. Kind of to say, “Don’t expect yourself to save the world. You’re only one person.”

Anyway, yeah. Please excuse the fact that I have the handwriting of a 12 year old boy.

Pet Peeves

1. When people say they're sorry for EVERYTHING.
2. When people are unable to form a sentence because they can't make a decision or don't have confidence in their thoughts.
3. People that think they're friends with everyone.
4. Being cared for or seen as weak.

I lie to make other people feel good.

When you meet my mom I want you to be next to me, squeezing my sweaty palms and whispering reassuring things in my ear, even though you're the one that should be nervous. I want to be able to reach out and know that you're there next to me, ready to help me face whatever comes next.

I Woke Up At 5:25 This Morning And Wrote A Poem

the anxiety
had beat my brain
until it closely resembled
a useless, old drunk.

still, and ready to be molded,
it lay in the empty hull
of my body’s great ship
and begged for a purpose.

THIS FUCKIN' GUY

SO. For Valentine’s Day I made my girlfriend a card that had a super cheesey love poem in it. I showed it to my little sister, and then left. Neither of us ever brought it up again. A few days ago I brought it up with her and the conversation went like this:

Me: So, do you remember that Valentine I showed you?
Sydney: Yeah.
Me: What do you think about its subject?
Sydney: I don’t know.
Me: You know that Abby and I are more than friends, right? You get it?
Sydney: Yeah. I don’t get why people care. It doesn’t matter. I’m your sister.
Me: :D :D :D

Okay. So then TODAYYYYY I went down stairs to talk to my mom, and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hey. Hi. Hello. Hola. Hi.
Mom: What?
Me: Can I tell you something?
Mom: Sure, what?
Me: Nevermind. I can’t. -runs away-
-commence chase scene in which she yells “You can’t fucking do that! TELL ME!” and then strangles me against a wall.-
Me: -in a ball on the floor- Well. You know how I want to go to Michigan?
Mom: Yeah….
Me: To see Abby…
Mom: Yeah…
Me: Well, it’s because, um -hyperventilates- I CAN’T.
Mom: TELL ME! Do you want me to guess?
Me: Yes. Please.
Mom: Because you’re madly in love with Abby?
Me: Yes.
-small talk about long distance relationships, blah blah blah-
-mom hugs me really tight-
Mom: I love you. I just want you to be happy. I’m just glad you’re in love with someone.
Me: THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU, TOO.
Me: You’re not really surprised, are you?
Mom: No.
Me: I mean, hi boxer briefs.
Mom: I mean, hi Tegan and Sara…

dfjkadhfajkdhglkhgjkdfhgjsfk

YOU GUYS. THAT IS THE FACE OF AN OUT LESBIAN. Like, my mom loves me regardless of the fact that I like girls. Or that I wear boxer briefs. Or that I’m wearing my 7 year old brother’s baseball jersey. :3 I’m so happy.

Came out to my sister yesterday. Success. :)

I think I'm going to tell my mom this week.

Fuck

I almost came out to my mother tonight. I was really going to. Her best friend was in town from San Francisco. I love this woman too much for words. She's one of the only adults that actually listens and cares about what I have to say. She understands where I'm coming from and we share very similar political ideologies. Instead of telling me that I'm a waste for registering Libertarian like my father did, this woman high- fived me for speaking for my beliefs rather than rolling over and being a little bitch to American politics.

Then I chickened out.

The Best Friday I've Had In A While

I need an oil change.
This is Seb. We flew Betty Boop high and proud.
:)

I Apologize For The Over Abundance Of My Face.

Today I learned how to tie a tie. Essential life lesson #35

Today I stole my friend’s headphones and had a one person dance party in the dark room.

My playlist:

TALK TO ANIMALS
TEGAN AND SARA (COLOURS REMIX)
MGMT AND FAR EAST MOVEMENT
I BLAME COCO
DRAGONETTE
TEGAN AND SARA REMIX
CRYSTAL CASTLES

Also, I have very chubby cheeks.

I just want to like, tell everyone that your mine. And circle the world with you by my side, holding my hand. I just want to be able to lay with you when you're sad, or help you read lines for theatre, or make you dinner, or take you on dates, or cuddle with you, or kiss you, or hug you, or drive you places because your road rage is bad, or just be able to drive around town and pass your block, and I want to find out what makes you squirm, and see if you're ticklish. And be able to look into your eyes. I want to give you my jacket when you're cold and stick your hands inside of my pockets to keep you warm. I want to take you on picnics and surprise you with little things. I want to be able to crush your tiny frame in massive hugs and never let go. I want to go on double dates with your friends and go out to places with you while knowing that I'm the luckiest person in the world because you're coming home with me. I want to go to your theatre performances and give you flowers afterwards. I want to take out books from the library with you and read under trees. I want you to fall asleep on my chest because you're so beautiful when you're careless. I want to bring you soup when you're sick and I want to go see Josh Groban in concert because I know how much you love him. I want to wake up next to you. I want to bring you breakfast in bed. I want to make tacos with you. I want to bring home moon orchids because I know they're your favorite. I want to take silly pictures with you in a photo booth. I want to come home to you wearing my flannel. I want to have fights with you, but let you win because I hate to see you sad. I want to steal kisses when no one's looking. I want to know what if feels like to have you in my arms.

This Weekend I Was Called A Boy 3 Times

1) Boys Batman boxer briefs
2) Equus t-shirt
3) Barefoot
4) I'm really tiny

We're both dancing around it. Finding every possible way to say it without actually saying it. I'm afraid to say it. I don't know if it's true or not. We've only known each other a few months, but she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want her to say it first, but I don't know how long I can wait.

Fan-fucking-tastic Day

Yesterday a friend said this to me:
"And I think it's reasonable for me to say that I have such a high level of respect for you that it almost just makes you seem like someone I've only dreamed of talking to, because it almost feels like this kind of person can't possibly exist,but you do. and whatever reason, such as fate, existing has led me to know you. I think this is a landmark of my life: our friendship."

And today my girlfriend said this to me:
"I really like you and I want to do anything I have to to make us work. I saw a couple on tumblr that is very similar to us. I haven't been able to get you off my mind all day. I've been thinking a lot about my future and I really want you in it."

I'm at a point in my life right now where everything is falling into place, and I've never been happier. I just hope this feeling lasts.

I'm so afraid of telling her how much she really means to me.

It's the Mississippi River, y'all.

I want a tattoo on the inside of my upper arm that reads "I've had a little too much to think". I have a habit of, because I'm so insecure, over-thinking and over-analyzing every single move I make. From the big decisions to the tiny, insignificant minute details, I am constantly monitoring and thinking about everything. This habit has prevented me from partaking in a lot of great opportunities in my life, and I can't help but wonder how my life would be different if I hadn't missed those chances.

Now that I'm graduating, and am (hopefully) moving to Vancouver, I need a reminder to live my life and not to waste it away thinking about every possible outcome of every single decision.

I've Been Thinking About Death Lately

I love the idea that everyone dies. It gives life value and actions a meaning. I really hate when people are like “don’t ____ because it’s deadly” or “you shouldn’t ______ because you might die.” Everyone dies at some time or another. I think everyone should live their lives the way THEY want because who knows how long you have? I don’t mean this in a “live every day to the fullest” kind of way. More of in a “do whatever the fuck you want because we all die anyway.” Want to smoke? Smoke. Want to jump off cliffs? Jump off cliffs. You might as well die doing something fun or because of something you like.

Just live.

I applied for a job here today. I walked in, and there were just books EVERYWHERE. And there were stacks of vinyls and cassettes. I thought I was in heaven. THEN this adorable old man wearing a flannel, beanie, and huge hipster glasses walks over to me. This was the conversation we had:

Him: Can I help you?
Me: Hi. Are you hiring?
Him: No. Come back when you’re ready to buy something. -walks away-

-.-

PS- The picture is blurry because as I went to take it on my phone, he walked over and I was afraid of him.

Officially

The corners of his mouth turned up. To those that did not know him, it was a smile. But those few that did know him knew he did not smile. This, this was something else. A sign of comprehension, of reticent acceptance, of indignation.

Love falling asleep on Skype.

The hum of voices washed over my body. I was a shell lost in the ocean; a faceless figure lost in the crowd.

Hypnotic, hypnotic,
You're leaving my breathless

There's really nothing I like more than laying wrapped around someone in silence, just looking at them and taking in everything that they are.

e. e. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I Like This Girl

My girlfriend is pretty rad. <3

I love talking to my girl until all hours of the night.

I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray

I'm afraid to come out to my mom, not because I think she'll judge me, but because I'm afraid of being placed under stereotypes. When I got my hair cut in november, she goes, "Is this your way of coming out of the closet?" I know that if I come out now she'll just think it's a phase because I cut my hair or vise versa. Same goes for all the other people around me, too. They all made the same lesbian comments and I'm just such a coward that I can't do it. I know they wont care that I'm gay, I'm just afraid of the stereotypes and not being taken seriously.

I play everything off as if it doesn't matter. I make you think that nothing touches me. I'm more than just that facade, or the jokes I make, or the awkwardness I use as an excuse for my uncertainty. I feel it. It affects me. But I can't let you know that.

This Is A Very Long Post

My friend and I were partners for an AP Government assignment. The task was to create a parody of a popular song about the Bureaucracy. This is the final product.

"Bureaucracy" By Kevin and Samm based on "Fireworks" by Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like an agency
Here to make the rules
And enforce policies

Do you ever feel so responsible
For the way we live
Regulating everything

Do you ever feel like you are useless
So unorganized
and completely misunderstood

Do you know that you still serve a purpose
Cause there's a place for you

You just gotta create policy
Through aaaaaaaaagenciieeeeeeees
Just work together like a real fourth branch

Cause you're in the bureaucracy
Come on show em what you're worth
Make 'em go OMG
You're gunna leave em all spee eech less

Cause you're in the bureaucracy
Come on show em what you're worth
Make 'em go OMG
You're gunna leave em all spee eech less

You are nothing more than a waste of space
completely useless go awaayyyyyy
if you only knew how to do your job
always taking time never in a rush

maybe your remedy is to clarify
that you're here to make us more efficient
we all need your help to regulate
and do what D.C. can't

You just gotta create policy
Through aaaaaaaaagenciieeeeeeees
Just work together like a real fourth branch


Cause you're in the bureaucracy
Come on show em what you're worth
Make 'em go OMG
You're gunna leave em all spee eech less

Cause you're in the bureaucracy
Come on show em what you're worth
Make 'em go OMG
You're gunna leave em all spee eech less

Red red tape more than any other paperwork
its getting more and more out of control
and now it's time to take a big chill pill

Cause you're in the bureaucracy
Come on show em what you're worth
Make 'em go OMG
You're gunna leave em all spee eech less

Cause you're in the bureaucracy
Come on show em what you're worth
Make 'em go OMG
You're gunna leave em all spee eech less

Red red tape
More than other paperwork
Red red tape
More than other paperwork

This is me wearing my brother's flannel. He's 6. This doesn't really look like me.

Cee Lo And Gwyneth Paltro Are Going To Do A Duet

Today when I went to take in the mail, I found a letter from Human Rights Campaign addressed to my mom. Naturally I opened it. I was a letter thanking her for donating money to them in their "ongoing quest for equality." It made my day and made me wonder if maybe she would be supportive if I came out.

I wish I was a teenager during the Riot Grrrl era.

I just learned that during the 4 months when I stopped receiving Alternative Press Magazine, Tegan and Sara were on the cover. Are you kidding me? They were on issue number 236 I have issue number 238.

-.-

Why Do I Always Do This To Myself?

I don't do my school work and I don't care. Then I get to school, my teachers ask me why it's late, I give them some transparent excuse, and I feel like shit. But then I still don't do my work. One day every two months or so, I get so fucking stressed that I just break down. All of the guilt, and pressure, and work from the previous weeks comes crashing down on me. Most of the time I can just laugh it off, but every once in a while it hits me really hard. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm going to fail out of college next year. I've been on the verge of tears for the past three hours. I just want to hold my girl.

TnS

"Might paint something I might want to hang here someday,
Might write something I might want to say to you someday,
Might do something I'd be proud of someday.
Mark my words, I might be something someday."

girlfriend
the word feels foreign on my tongue.
like trying to learn red, blue, and green
at three.