Under the Influence

When ever I look at someone, no matter how well I know them, the first thoughts that pop into my head are their imperfections. Oh, society.

I finally beat Tetris.

Rest In Peace, Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan. You and your music will be missed.

I'm OBSESSED with Tetris although I've never gotten passed level 3. I think it's because the pieces drop faster than I can think.

I'm so dumb.

I can't believe how I acted. Thinking back on it and wondering what could possibly be wrong with me, I realized that my entire persona dissolved around him and I became this silly girl that laughed at what he said, agreed with his opinions, and fooled herself into thinking that he didn't notice. Now I see.

Sad.

Yesterday marked the second time in 12 months that a kid from my town jumped in front of a train to end their life. Although I knew neither of them personally, I still feel it because my friends were their friends.

Life is too short. Don't make other people suffer because you are sad. You can pull through it. I've been there. Please.

R.I.P Lyla Stern 1-12-09

R.I.P. James Clare 12-19-09

Never Have I Ever...

...practiced what I preach.

Je suis fini.

Yeah, I'm finished with the every day posts. They were awkward... 

I really, really, really, really, etc, want to book this IC screening and make friends with the Roadies, and meet Innocent, and become a Roadie. sigh. 

Will and I made $132.04 in half an hour on friday for Schools for Schools. [: 

I watched "The Notebook" again last night. I really want to lay in the middle of the street like they did. I wish my block wasn't so busy.  Sometimes I wish that I lived during the 1800's or pre-Depression 1900's. 

I'm taking a break from listing things about me today to post an actual post.  I want to be so involved with Invisible Children but I don't know how.  I don't know how to be a contact. I don't know how to become friends with one of the roadies. I don't know how to hold a successful fundraiser. I need to learn how to put my shyness aside and do it, not for me, but for the kids in Uganda. 

Twenty/Twenty (Surgery)

Taking Back Sunday is love. [:

I cling to anyone that acknowledges me.

#19

I transfer my self-doubt into a paranoia that other people don't expect me to succeed, either.

Eighteen.

CRACKING MY KNUCKLES AND BITING MY NAILS ARE NOT NERVOUS HABITS. 

Anyway, I don't know how to actually execute the ideas that I come up with.

I watched another Invisible Children LiveStream for about 5 hours again. I love them because it inspires me to see how some random student like me can do something truly wonderful. [:

Seventeen. (Mah b')

Although I've changed more inside within the last six months than throughout my entire life, people tend to ignore these changes. 

neetxiS

I think I suffer from mild paranoia.

Number Fifteen

I'm afraid of consequences and the dark.

I've been watching an Invisible Children LiveStream for the past 4 hours.

Quatorze

I don't have favorite things because I change my mind too frequently.

(Lucky) #13

I think drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol are just stupid facades but when I think about the future I can see myself standing outside in some city ashing a cigarette.

#12

I get REALLY emotional whenever I see someone else cry, get mad, or think about something I miss or that's sad.

My mom likes these poems.

so you looked at me for a sec,

just a flash of blue,

"you know you'll miss me."

"more than you know."

and you turned around.

and the moment was gone.

our little secret.

She likes this one better:

stepping over oceans

like shallow puddles in the park

let's just sit and meet in the middle.

swing our legs back and forth

       (one and two)

reminisce about the good times,

                                the old times,

                                the lost times.

I apologize for that last angst-filled post. (#11)

I lack passion where it counts and because of that I don't think I'll aspire to anything.

Sigh.

I'm in love with a boy I can't have and I've accepted it. I have feelings for a boy that I've liked since 7th grade who has a girlfriend. What the hell is wrong with me?

#10

I hate speaking. I hate conversations. If it was up to me, I'd never speak. Actions, not words, man. 

#9?

I'm more comfortable around adults... not that I'm ever truly comfortable.

#8

My heart actually aches with the need to explore every corner of the world. I want to travel the deserts of Egypt, wander the slums of India, and hike in the mountains of Alaska. I want to meet the people that live in the aftermath of destruction in Uganda, to come across something fantastic where I least expect it, to see something that makes me cry from amazement. I need to see new things and experience the beauty that the world holds. The beauty that people destroy.

Oh, crap. (#7)

I hate that war is necessary.

Oops. My lack of will power is showing (#6)

I sensor my personality depending on who I'm with. 

#5

I'm aware of a lot more than I let on.

#4

I don't believe in God. 

(I realized that when I post once I usually start a posting frenzy within myself.)

#3

I'm obsessed with fate.

I just need somebody to love.

I know that I should be grateful and feel lucky that my mom wants me to spend "family time" with them, and I do want to, I really do, but I just can't. I always find some excuse to push myself away from my family. I can see it hurts my mom, but I just can't stop. Yes, I want to see my brother's face when he looks at the sharks. Yes, I want to, I really do, but I just can't.

What's wrong with me?

I walk a lonely road

I'm so lost. I don't feel connected to anyone.  Not my friends, not my parents, no one.  I miss how things were a few years ago- simple.  I don't know myself anymore because I do things based on how I think others see me rather than how I see myself. Back in middle school I knew who I was, who my friends were, and what I liked. Now, one minute I'm reading fucking Henry David Thoreau and feeling like a hippie and the next minute I'm just another person.  I'm on a journey to find myself but the only problem is that I can't find the starting line. 

The worst part is that no one notices.

I lost already (#2)

I'm a skeptic. 

#1

I'm Samm, not Samantha.

I'm holding onto the wind

For now on I'm going to try and post one thing about me each day.

Angie <3 Chris

Not so much a revelation.  I was watching the season 1 finale of "Skins" on Youtube tonight when I thought to myself, "Hey. I should really do my AP US History homework." And you know what, when I finished the episode, I did do it.  I know it may not seem like much, but I wanted to start season 2 really badly and for me to have the will power to tell myself "no" is a big deal. I'm proud of myself even if I can't convince myself to do my AP Lit homework.  Oh well. Start off with small steps, right?

I'm still sickish.

Fml.

I went to the library after school today to actually get some work done and I typed up a 7 page paper... it got deleted. So then I went home and I typed it again after having a mini breakdown in the car.  Now instead of finishing my other homework I'm cleaning out my bedside table drawers. 

I've been sick since saturday which means I'm currently missing my 3rd day of school.

Not so good because of my AP classes. Crap.

"The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences"

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us.  It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations.  Absolute freedom.  And the road has always led west."

                                                   -Christopher Johnson McCandless

Halloween 2009.

Third post of the day.

I hate being politically correct.  Trust me, I'm not racist at all. I don't mean it like that. I mean that I hate when people get offended by the word "gay" and insist on using the word "homosexual".  Like, you know you're gay. I know you're gay. Own up to it.  I feel like the word "homosexual" is a coverup for someone who is ashamed.  It just sounds scientific and artificial.

Be proud of who you are.

I want to live

"I was surprised, as always, by how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt."

                                                                -John Krakauer

A truer sentiment there never was.  It is honestly the most amazing feeling to me when I walk through the boarding terminal at the airport.  No looking back, no strings attached.  Just me, my destination, and endless possibilities.  Albeit the only time I've ever flown alone was on my way to Ghana, but leaving my dad at the security gate and wandering by myself around the terminal was exhilarating.  The adrenaline rush was intense and fueled a flame in me that I hope never goes out.

I sincerely hope that I never get tired of not looking back.

On a semi-related note, I also wish I had the guts to do what I want.  One day, I want to leave and just drive for months without looking back.  I want to become an Invisible Children Roadie. I want to join the Peace Corps.  I want to start a club at school. I want to go visit my friends in Ghana. I want to be like the characters in the books I read, like Christopher J. McCandless or Henry David Thoreau.  I want to be brave enough to be me and express what I'm feeling.

Stories live.

When I read a book, I love knowing that my heroes and so many other people throughout history have read the same exact sentences, pondered the same words, scanned the same pages as I have. 

I become enthralled by wondering what they thought when they read this. Did they agree with Henry David Thoreau? Did they get angry at his simplistic thinking? Are we having the same thoughts? 

Let the wild rumpus start!

GO SEE WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE.

Ignore all the sketchy reviews.  They all say that it was too scary for kids and boring, but it was amazing!!! I honestly loved it so much. I cried in it, and I never cry during movies.  I went with my brother, sister, mother, and step-dad, and my brother, who's five, was only scared for about thirty seconds towards the end. The little boy, Max Records, who plays Max is legit the love of my life. The indie soundtrack by Karen O and the Kids was just the cherry on top.  Mad props to Spike Jonze.

Can I keep him, mommy?

For the record...

Im proud of how regularly I update this little bugger.  Having a blog or some sort of place to vent your thoughts is healthy. 

Samm-1 Life- ∞

I've been lacking.

Since I got my copy of The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown I've returned to my obsessive love of reading. I can't read as fast as I used to (about 2 pages a minute) but I'm still pretty fast. A few years ago I would come home from school, start a book, and finish it by dinner. I miss those days without Facebook or Myspace or Twitter. They let me experience real life in real time.

My new goal is to read twenty books that I haven't read yet before January 1st, 2010.

So far:

1. The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown- 10/13/09 - 10/14/09

2. God-Shaped Hole by Tiffanie Debartolo- 10/15/09 - 10/16/09

3. Into The Wild by John Krakauer- 10/17/09 - 10/18/09

4. Kathy Griffin: Official Book Club Selection by Kathy Griffin- 10/24/09 - 10/26/09

Edit: I stopped reading again. :X Oops. New goal: 10 books by 1/1/10

Edit Take 2: I stopped reading. Goal officially un-met.

On the Bus

Today on the bus home from school I was thinking about random things and I realized that people who don't do things because they are "impossible" piss me off. And then I realized that I do it to.

I just ordered a collection of works by Henry David Thoreau and The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown off of Borders.  [:

PS- It's really windy and I'm listening to The Control. Look them up.

A lonely thought?

I don't need friends to survive.  I don't depend on them.  I depend on myself and my music and my books.  I don't go to them when I'm upset.  I've never had to be the shoulder for my best friend to cry on.  Instead, she went to someone else.  I don't miss my best friend.  I try to maintain a friendship because I know it's what I should want and I know I should miss how it USED to be. 

So now I'm going to bed with this thought.  Not lonely as I should be, but instead with a strange sense of independence and sorrow. 

A Supermarket In California by Allen Ginsberg

         What thoughts I have of you tonight, Walt Whitman, for

 I walked down the sidestreets under the trees with a headache

 self-conscious looking at the full moon. 

          In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images, I went 

into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming of your enumerations! 

          What peaches and what penumbras!  Whole families 

shopping at night!  Aisles full of husbands!  Wives in the 

avocados, babies in the tomatoes!--and you, Garcia Lorca, what 

were you doing down by the watermelons?     

       

           I saw you, Walt Whitman, childless, lonely old grubber, 

poking among the meats in the refrigerator and eyeing the grocery 

boys.

           I heard you asking questions of each: Who killed the 

pork chops?  What price bananas?  Are you my Angel?

           I wandered in and out of the brilliant stacks of cans 

following you, and followed in my imagination by the store 

detective.

           We strode down the open corridors together in our 

solitary fancy tasting artichokes, possessing every frozen 

delicacy, and never passing the cashier.

            Where are we going, Walt Whitman?  The doors close in 

an hour.  Which way does your beard point tonight?

           (I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the 

supermarket and feel absurd.)

           Will we walk all night through solitary streets?  The 

trees add shade to shade, lights out in the houses, we'll both be 

lonely.

            Will we stroll dreaming of the lost America of love 

past blue automobiles in driveways, home to our silent cottage?

           Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-teacher, 

what America did you have when Charon quit poling his ferry and 

you got out on a smoking bank and stood watching the boat 

disappear on the black waters of Lethe?

Ouchie.

My thumb, which I sprained back in July while playing a game of soccer with my friends in Ghana, has been KILLING me lately.  I know why, though. I never got it checked out or wrapped or anything and now I'm paying the price.  I still can't bend it all the way and the little stretch of skin between my index finger and thumb is still swollen a bit.

]:

Listening to: Beware the Moors! by PK

Why?

Why do we always flinch when we drop something? 

We are conscious of the movement. We prepare ourselves for the sound. We drop hard things, soft things, big things, small things all day everyday and yet we always flinch.

What does that tell you about man?

I think that when we see a celebrity that we like, whether they be a musician or actor, we automatically assume that we know what they're about.  We make judgements from their style and their sound and we make it into something that we like.  Like if a guy sings acoustic music, people assume that he's either gay or this sensitive, perfect person.  And then if we find out that what we think about that person isn't true, we're crushed and we can never think of that person the same way, and our judgement ruins our perception of said person.

It's a horrible realization because we all know that it's true and we all know that we've done it before.

I am Jack's Smirking Revenge

I love the scene in Fight Club where the guy with the hose starts spraying the Priest (?) and they get into a fight and then the fat guy chases the guy on the bike.

[:

Be Your Own Hero

I saw the movie Whip It last night, and it was actually incredible. I had a smile on my face the entire time. It was funny, endearing, and rebellious all at the same time. It just enforced my belief that Ellen Page is easily the greatest actress of our time under 25. She was incredible. My dad called her "cutesy". Since it was a special sneak peak, I got a tee shirt. [:

Seriously, when it comes out, GO SEE IT. Out October 2nd.

Nine, ten a big fat hen!

I need to learn how not to procrastinate.

Since When Are Facebook Quizzes Accurate?

Am I anorexic?

No, I don't think so.

Am I a mean person?

Only to my sister.

Am I "healthy"?

Not in the slightest.

About a boy

If only you were honest

and you'd written your own sonnet;

I must admit your pretty good at what you do.

You had me fooled.

For Now, At Least

1. Visit every continent (5 down)
2. Visit every state (25 down)
3. Tour the eastern coast of Asia with my dad
4. Join the Peace Corps
5. Love a guy in flannel.
6. Be the person people see me as
7. Get tattooed
8. Get over my insane paranoia
9. Come out
10. Hang out with Paramore
11. See Arctic Monkeys live
12. Learn Latin
13. Have the guts to be who I want to be
14. Donate blood
15. Be someone's number 1
16. Name my daughter Tegan
17. Publish something
18. Start my t-shirt company
19. Make my family proud
20. Stop lying
21. Put my feet in every ocean
22. Visit Uganda and Vietnam
23. Get a kitten and name is Oli
24. Attend Bamboozle
25. Learn acoustic guitar
26. Live in London
27. Get my driver's license
28. Find my soulmate
29. Win a fight
30. Write good poetry
31. Be arrested for protesting
32. See the Aurora Borealis
33. Be hypnotized
34. Figure out what I believe
35. Send a message in a bottle
36. Run away
37. Stop fighting the currents of life
38. Make the pilgrimage to Mecca
39. Fly in a hot air balloon
40. Walk TWO miles in someone else's shoes
41. Graduate from the college of my dreams
42. Learn how to let myself go
43. Come out to my parents
44. See AFI's list of 100 Greatest Films (23 down)
45. Change some one's life for the better
46. Be apart of something that makes a noticeable impact on the world
47. Go on a blind date
48. Live life doing whatever I want, going where ever it takes me
49. Be in a Gay Pride Parade
50. Lay under the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
51. Be a roadie for Invisible Children
52. Have my palms and tarot cards read by a Fortune Teller
53. Go to a circus Freak Show
54. Hike to Fairbanks Bus 142 where Christopher McCandless died
55. Have a good relationship with my sister.
56. Learn more about the English Premier League.