Things I Want to Do With You:

1. Take a train to Montauk
2. Go camping
3. Go sailing/boating
4. Stay at a Bed & Breakfast in a tiny town
5. Explore New York City
6. Go to art museums
7. Rifle through and antique store
8. Play in a creek/river/stream
9. Hike in New Paltz
10. Go to Woodstock
11. Sit on the beach at the Atlantic Ocean (in winter)
12. Spend a day in a library or book store
13. Teach you how to use a photography darkroom
14. Go to a poetry reading
15. Roadtrips, never stop going on roadtrips (Halifax, Maine, Rockport, Montreal, etc)
16. Art store
17. Go to a Now, Now show
18. Have a bonfire on the beach
19. Go to a real deli
20. See a drive-in movie or a Movie Under the Stars
21. Volunteer somewhere (Soup kitchen, retirement home, senior center, etc.)
22. Explore abandoned places (ex: North Brother Island)
23. Play music with you
24. Listen to vinyls
25. Go to a photobooth
26. Relearn French
27. Open our vegan cafe

It’s hard to remember you being foreign to me. The way your skin first felt, the way your lips first tasted. The first time I read the thoughts spelled out across your face; that I never would have thought you’d become a book with well turned pages. Like when you love a book so much that you can recall the lines word by word, but sometimes your mind runs ahead too fast and the storyline falters.

That moment when my ex-girlfriend writes a poem for class about me, and it describes me better than I've ever described myself:

I loved her

She so captivated me:

my little explorer

with her maps,

like a bird she

twittered restless for

flight, anxious

for the next

forest to camp in,

the next river to

quench her thirst.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror, and I get startled because I forgot that I'm a girl. It's not that I'm transgender, or want to be a boy. I just don't like being a girl. I don't like parts of my body, I don't like the connotations that come with being a girl, I just don't like it. If I could, I would switch in to a man's body. But, like, I don't have the mind of a boy. I like my "girl's mind." I don't think of myself as a boy, I think I'd just like to have the body of one.

But at the same time, sometimes I catch myself wanting to be one of those girls that can wear whatever they want and be called pretty. I see clothes at a store that I want so, so badly, but I don't get them because I'd never wear them because I'm "too boyish." I'd just like to be one of those girls for a while. Not forever, but just to try.

fucking up
by
fucking around

Sometimes, you just need to enjoy things while they last.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

I peer west
Towards where the sun sets.
It’s fitting, isn’t it?
That I’m heading into the darkness,
Away from the comfort of light.

Reading List

[ ] The Devil We Know Robert Baer
[X] On The Road Jack Kerouac
[ ] Invisible Monsters Chuck Palahnuik
[x] Essex County Jeff Lemire
[ ] Einstein's Dreams Alan Lightman
[ ] Unless Carol Shields
[X] Among Other Things I've Taken Up Smoking Aoibheann Sweeney
[ ] Invisible Man Ralph Ellison
[X] Equus Peter Shaffer
[x] Looking for Alaska John Green
[ ] Inferno Eileen Myles
[X] The Best Laid Plans Terry Fallis
[X] Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince J.K. Rowling
[X] Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows J.K. Rowling
[X] The Picture of Dorian Gray Oscar Wilde
[X] The Hunger Games Suzanne Collins
[X] Catching Fire Suzanne Collins
[X] Mockingjay Suzanne Collins
[X] The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Steig Larsson
[X] The Girl Who Played With Fire Steig Larsson
[X] The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest Steig Larsson
[X] Persepolis Marjane Satrapi

"'Cause tonight I'm thinking of someone else
And I can't help myself, no I can't help myself.
Yeah, tonight I'm thinking of someone else.

Which, in a round about way, means I've thought about you all day."

100 Whales- An Horse

I need your arms wrapped around me.
I need you in my arms.
I need to feel you against me.
I need to have your scent linger on my clothes.
I need to feel the softness of your body.
I need to feel the heat radiating off your skin.
I need to feel your lower back as I creep my hands just under your shirt and pull you closer.
I need to feel your stomach against the palm of my hand.
I need to feel your smile in our kiss.
I need to feel your fingers knotted in my hair.
I just need to feel your kiss. Anywhere. Everywhere.
I need to feel your presence and know that you're beside me.

There's this girl...

Dear love,

I really don't know what to do. I love you so much, but I can feel you growing distant. I know you love me and you tell me that you'll do anything to make it work, but what are you doing? I understand that it is complicated. Everything is always complicated. I know my judging you doesn't help, either, and for that I'm truly sorry. I just don't understand everything you do. I don't know how to keep you interested. I don't know what happened to make you so distant. You don't talk to me anymore. You tell me it's because you "don't know what to say," but nothing has changed. I'm still me. I still want to hear every detail of your day and I'm still interested in anything you have to say.

I'm sorry that I've been frustrated with you lately. I just can't stand when it seems like you're not trying. I've never wanted anything as much as I want us to work, and for the first time in my life I'm actually trying. I hate that I don't feel like you're trying. I know you are, but I can't see it. I just want you to put forth effort. Is that wrong of me to say? I just want you to open up and tell me what you're thinking. When I ask you what's wrong I don't want you to say "nothing." We both know that's not true. It makes me feel so fucking bad that you're not comfortable around me. It makes me feel like shit. I hate that you're afraid to embarrass yourself in front of me. I'm here for you to whine to, and vent to, and cry to. I don't want you to cry alone. I want you to be able to call me up, and I want to be there to listen for you.

Please. Just talk to me.

I love you.

I just wanted Kool Aid.

New Idea

I’ve been planning on getting “I’ve had a little too much to think” tattooed on my arm, but I’m starting to second guess that a bit. I still want something to remind me not to over analyze everything and to just let go sometimes. So, I’ve decided on “stop worrying over nothing” from “The Ocean.” Aside from that being my favorite Tegan and Sara song, that line summarizes my entire persona so incredibly well. I know it’s cliche to say it, but Tegan and Sara really did help me come to terms with myself. They really showed me that not only is it okay to be gay, but that there is a whole world in which I can be myself without being judged, and without having to worry over nothing.

Also, in running with the theme of oceans, I think I want to have like a line drawing of waves above the text. To me the ocean represents letting go, and I have to remember to do that sometimes. The waves also remind me about my insignificance compared to something as huge and untamable as an ocean, and I think it’s a necessary reminder that I am only one person. Kind of to say, “Don’t expect yourself to save the world. You’re only one person.”

Anyway, yeah. Please excuse the fact that I have the handwriting of a 12 year old boy.

Pet Peeves

1. When people say they're sorry for EVERYTHING.
2. When people are unable to form a sentence because they can't make a decision or don't have confidence in their thoughts.
3. People that think they're friends with everyone.
4. Being cared for or seen as weak.

I lie to make other people feel good.

When you meet my mom I want you to be next to me, squeezing my sweaty palms and whispering reassuring things in my ear, even though you're the one that should be nervous. I want to be able to reach out and know that you're there next to me, ready to help me face whatever comes next.

I Woke Up At 5:25 This Morning And Wrote A Poem

the anxiety
had beat my brain
until it closely resembled
a useless, old drunk.

still, and ready to be molded,
it lay in the empty hull
of my body’s great ship
and begged for a purpose.

THIS FUCKIN' GUY

SO. For Valentine’s Day I made my girlfriend a card that had a super cheesey love poem in it. I showed it to my little sister, and then left. Neither of us ever brought it up again. A few days ago I brought it up with her and the conversation went like this:

Me: So, do you remember that Valentine I showed you?
Sydney: Yeah.
Me: What do you think about its subject?
Sydney: I don’t know.
Me: You know that Abby and I are more than friends, right? You get it?
Sydney: Yeah. I don’t get why people care. It doesn’t matter. I’m your sister.
Me: :D :D :D

Okay. So then TODAYYYYY I went down stairs to talk to my mom, and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hey. Hi. Hello. Hola. Hi.
Mom: What?
Me: Can I tell you something?
Mom: Sure, what?
Me: Nevermind. I can’t. -runs away-
-commence chase scene in which she yells “You can’t fucking do that! TELL ME!” and then strangles me against a wall.-
Me: -in a ball on the floor- Well. You know how I want to go to Michigan?
Mom: Yeah….
Me: To see Abby…
Mom: Yeah…
Me: Well, it’s because, um -hyperventilates- I CAN’T.
Mom: TELL ME! Do you want me to guess?
Me: Yes. Please.
Mom: Because you’re madly in love with Abby?
Me: Yes.
-small talk about long distance relationships, blah blah blah-
-mom hugs me really tight-
Mom: I love you. I just want you to be happy. I’m just glad you’re in love with someone.
Me: THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU, TOO.
Me: You’re not really surprised, are you?
Mom: No.
Me: I mean, hi boxer briefs.
Mom: I mean, hi Tegan and Sara…

dfjkadhfajkdhglkhgjkdfhgjsfk

YOU GUYS. THAT IS THE FACE OF AN OUT LESBIAN. Like, my mom loves me regardless of the fact that I like girls. Or that I wear boxer briefs. Or that I’m wearing my 7 year old brother’s baseball jersey. :3 I’m so happy.