Dear love,

I really don't know what to do. I love you so much, but I can feel you growing distant. I know you love me and you tell me that you'll do anything to make it work, but what are you doing? I understand that it is complicated. Everything is always complicated. I know my judging you doesn't help, either, and for that I'm truly sorry. I just don't understand everything you do. I don't know how to keep you interested. I don't know what happened to make you so distant. You don't talk to me anymore. You tell me it's because you "don't know what to say," but nothing has changed. I'm still me. I still want to hear every detail of your day and I'm still interested in anything you have to say.

I'm sorry that I've been frustrated with you lately. I just can't stand when it seems like you're not trying. I've never wanted anything as much as I want us to work, and for the first time in my life I'm actually trying. I hate that I don't feel like you're trying. I know you are, but I can't see it. I just want you to put forth effort. Is that wrong of me to say? I just want you to open up and tell me what you're thinking. When I ask you what's wrong I don't want you to say "nothing." We both know that's not true. It makes me feel so fucking bad that you're not comfortable around me. It makes me feel like shit. I hate that you're afraid to embarrass yourself in front of me. I'm here for you to whine to, and vent to, and cry to. I don't want you to cry alone. I want you to be able to call me up, and I want to be there to listen for you.

Please. Just talk to me.

I love you.

I just wanted Kool Aid.

New Idea

I’ve been planning on getting “I’ve had a little too much to think” tattooed on my arm, but I’m starting to second guess that a bit. I still want something to remind me not to over analyze everything and to just let go sometimes. So, I’ve decided on “stop worrying over nothing” from “The Ocean.” Aside from that being my favorite Tegan and Sara song, that line summarizes my entire persona so incredibly well. I know it’s cliche to say it, but Tegan and Sara really did help me come to terms with myself. They really showed me that not only is it okay to be gay, but that there is a whole world in which I can be myself without being judged, and without having to worry over nothing.

Also, in running with the theme of oceans, I think I want to have like a line drawing of waves above the text. To me the ocean represents letting go, and I have to remember to do that sometimes. The waves also remind me about my insignificance compared to something as huge and untamable as an ocean, and I think it’s a necessary reminder that I am only one person. Kind of to say, “Don’t expect yourself to save the world. You’re only one person.”

Anyway, yeah. Please excuse the fact that I have the handwriting of a 12 year old boy.

Pet Peeves

1. When people say they're sorry for EVERYTHING.
2. When people are unable to form a sentence because they can't make a decision or don't have confidence in their thoughts.
3. People that think they're friends with everyone.
4. Being cared for or seen as weak.

I lie to make other people feel good.

When you meet my mom I want you to be next to me, squeezing my sweaty palms and whispering reassuring things in my ear, even though you're the one that should be nervous. I want to be able to reach out and know that you're there next to me, ready to help me face whatever comes next.

I Woke Up At 5:25 This Morning And Wrote A Poem

the anxiety
had beat my brain
until it closely resembled
a useless, old drunk.

still, and ready to be molded,
it lay in the empty hull
of my body’s great ship
and begged for a purpose.